Narzissmus

The Eternal Search for Validation
Do you suspect that your partner, a family member, your boss, or a colleague might be a narcissist or exhibit narcissistic traits?
From my professional experience, I notice that more and more clients come to me with narcissism-related issues. It’s important to mention that these are people affected by narcissistic relationships, whether at work, in family settings, or partnerships.
Rarely does the narcissist themselves seek help. Should they find themselves in a narcissistic crisis, they often attribute it to the victim's failure. After reading my article, you will likely share this assessment.
What is Narcissism?
In Greek mythology, Narcissus was the handsome son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Leiriope, who fell in love with his own reflection. Narcissism refers to self-love or vanity, which, in extreme cases, can lead to an inflated self-esteem and a bloated ego that places oneself and one’s interests at the center.
Everyone has narcissistic tendencies. Not only to adapt to the external world but also to maintain a balanced sense of self-worth, healthy narcissism is beneficial. It helps us cope better with setbacks, insults, criticism, and crises. This is often called "positive narcissism," which is present in people with a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-love. These individuals are likable, charismatic, and an absolute asset to society.
People with narcissistic personality disorder, however, compensate for self-esteem wounds in a way that negatively impacts those around them. For narcissists, it’s about winning and control, making it hard for them to take responsibility for themselves or others. They often believe their problems stem from external circumstances, others, or society (an ego-syntonic stance).
Narcissists tend to make those around them feel insecure about their appearance or performance. They use such strategies to make themselves feel better, compensating for their own insecurities and reinforcing their inflated self-esteem.
Externally, narcissistic people may appear very self-confident, but internally they are wounded in their sense of self. The roots of this disorder lie in childhood development, often linked to their relationships with their parents. Narcissists have experienced either deep self-devaluation or elevation at some point. These experiences led them to develop a defense mechanism, claiming an absolute entitlement to possess, want, and achieve everything. This strategy allows them to navigate life. Narcissists exploit others for their own interests, always pushing themselves to the forefront, lacking empathy, and compensating for their own self-worth deficit by seeking admiration and attention from others — all to avoid feeling how worthless they actually perceive themselves to be. These individuals often have deep self-doubt, which they balance with a grandiose demeanor, insistence on being right, and a desire to present themselves as superior.
Narcissism has many facets, and I'll provide examples from three key areas of life to give you a clearer picture.
Narcissism in Relationships
I often hear about how men or women suffer under their narcissistic partners.
First, it's important to note that the narcissism of a partner has nothing to do with the victims. This behavior was brought into the relationship by the narcissist.
When narcissists meet a partner, they often "bombard" them with affection and attention, wanting to move in together quickly and make solid plans. This "love-bombing phase" lasts for weeks or months, depending on how much validation, support, gratitude, attention, and respect the narcissist receives from their partner, often referred to as the co-narcissist or complementary narcissist. This narcissistic need for admiration can never be fully satisfied. Whatever the partner offers: it is never enough!
Outwardly, narcissists often seem charming, charismatic, and engaging, or sometimes very shy and submissive.
They tend to be nervous, emotionally unstable, and often volatile.
In relationships, they display a pessimistic outlook on life. They complain frequently, are tense, outwardly focused, constantly worried, and impossible to please. For their partner, it’s like fighting a never-ending battle. They are incapable of self-criticism, deflecting it entirely while engaging in "finger-pointing."
Narcissists attack to protect themselves, twisting words, denying mistakes, making their partners feel insecure, and blaming them for everything. Accusations, assumptions, and insults are par for the course. They undermine their partner's independent thinking. When the narcissist speaks, they present themselves as the only one with any real understanding of the subject, expecting others to remain silent.
Control and dominance over their partner are essential for the narcissist. Jealousy is also a constant issue: everything is scrutinized. Notes, emails, phones — nothing is off-limits. There is no trust. They are constantly searching for proof of infidelity, even though they themselves are often the serial cheaters. Once routine settles in, and they no longer receive the attention they demand, they seek validation elsewhere. Admiration and attention are as vital to them as daily sustenance.
Narcissists cannot stay alone for long or even live alone.
They need partners to drain emotionally, to feed on their energy, emotions, and attention. A narcissist looks for partners who are always available to them in some way. They do not love their partners but rather need them. Narcissists are masters at taking, not giving. They do not know true love; the narcissist needs the partner.
Narcissism at Work
Do you wake up with a sense of dread going to work?
Do you constantly feel undermined, devalued, harassed, or even bullied by a colleague, possibly in front of others or the boss? When a narcissist is part of the team, stress and tension are inevitable. They love to spread rumors and delegate tasks to others who are not responsible for them, leading to burnout and depression!
Narcissists are often the "best buddy" of the boss. They manipulate, persuading others to do things they wouldn't usually do. They act independently, disregarding others' needs. In meetings, you'll notice they dominate the conversation, not always sticking to the truth, often exaggerating to prove their work is the "best." They frequently interrupt others and belittle their contributions, speaking ill of colleagues to cast themselves in a better light, creating a negative atmosphere that saps the joy from work.
Narcissism in the Family
What behaviors do narcissistic family members exhibit, and what does this mean for the rest of the family? Families with narcissistic parents often have a significant power imbalance. The child, dependent both physically and emotionally, must submit. Narcissistic parents exploit this power dynamic, using their children to fulfill their own needs.
The child of a narcissist becomes a "need-fulfiller." As they grow, they are expected to fulfill the unmet desires of the narcissistic parent. These children are expected to be good, successful, and presentable, essentially "perfect" children to showcase externally, while being devalued and confronted with the narcissist's deep-seated self-hatred behind closed doors. If the child begins to develop a self, an opinion, or a will, a power struggle ensues, with the narcissist using constant devaluation to keep them small.
The children live in constant ambivalence: they must be "good" and "presentable" but are simultaneously devalued to the point where they feel unworthy of love or life.
This dynamic, where one child becomes the "golden child" and another the "scapegoat," fosters rivalry and discord among siblings.
Co-Narcissism
Often, narcissists only seek therapy when their behavior leads to consequences, such as a breakup or when additional issues like addiction, depression, or suicidal tendencies emerge. However, therapy can only be successful if the narcissist recognizes the need for change.
More frequently, co-narcissists seek therapeutic support to gain clarity on their relationships with narcissistic partners, colleagues, or family members. It’s essential to understand why they ended up in such a relationship and to address why they tolerated so much humiliation and injury for so long.
### How to Recognize if You’re a Co-Narcissist
- You notice you’re swept away by the narcissist's emotional swings.
- You feel drained and tired.
- You constantly put your needs aside and adapt to their life.
- You carry a great sense of responsibility, feel guilty easily, and are sensitive to blame.
- You feel like you bear most of the responsibility for the relationship’s success and your partner’s well-being.
It’s never too late to exit a toxic relationship.
I’m here to support you in taking the first steps to freedom, healing, and reclaiming a self-determined life.
Coaching sessions are donation-based and held on Saturdays from 2:00 – 3:00 p.m. via Zoom.